Monkeys — My Biggest Nightmare

My friends marvel at the list of things that are on my hate list. Monkeys – those filthy vermin — obviously hold the top spot when it comes down to it. Here’s my list of top reasons on why I loathe them so much. (This should be easy.)

Reason No. 1 

What big teeth you have, Travis.

Four years ago, as most of you have already heard, a sick chimpanzee called Travis went berserk and attacked an unprovoked woman, badly mauling his owner’s friend and went after the police officers who were sent to restrain him. I was eleven when I heard about Travis and so when I Googled about him and found a picture of the woman attacked, I had flinched from the screen and wondered what kind of monsters monkeys especially chimpanzees are.

Reason No. 2

I don’t hate them because I fear them but there is something so freakishly human yet not so human about their behaviour that leads me to compare them with the common retarded idiots I’m surrounded by every day.

We share 98% of our DNA with the primates and so the realisation of our similarities has led me to avoid them as far as possible. They can walk on two, use tools such as sticks to scoop out insects from their holes and use stones to break those tasty nuts. They’re wild, of course, but Darwin’s theory of evolution has led me to regard them in even more disdain.

Reason No. 3

They have hands where their feet should be. That itself is self-explanatory.

Reason No. 4

They throw poop, eat poop, and give poop to each other when expressing themselves. I mean, how romantic is it giving your mate a piece of your own faeces as an anniversary present. I can just imagine the usual conversation that takes place between two mates.

Female Monkey: Hello, Darling. Junior’s been acting up again. He’s wasted good poop on himself. What are we ever going to do with him?
Male Monkey: Let’s forget about him for a minute. Look what I’ve got for you, sweetie
Female Monkey: Oh, Darling! Another parcel of poop! Look it even has a few nuts in it! Oh, I love it!
Male Monkey: I knew you’d like it.

Reason No. 5

St. James Davis

They’re hideous. (Well, most of them besides the lemur.) They’re so ugly! I can’t really explain it to you besides that they have a fat, ugly, squashed nose, and an ugly – okay, so I think you understand what I’m getting at. I find orangutans, chimpanzees, gorillas, gibbons, bonobos, and baboons super-ugly.

Reason No. 6 

Monkeys are immensely strong. Have you heard of the guy who had his genitals ripped off by a chimp? Ouch. The monkeys tortured and mutilated the poor man. Here’s the article I found ages ago: The Davises It’s pretty scary when you think about what they can do to you if you ever laugh at their hairy arses.

Reason No. 7

If you have seen a baboon in action, you would be given nightmares for a long time. They have this big bright pink butt and were mostly the reason the reason why I never liked that show I Am Weasel on Cartoon Network. They are like rabid chimpanzees mixed with the worst part of a rabid bear.

Reason No. 8

Justin Bieber and currently abandoned OG Mally

Justin Bieber has a pet monkey. That is reason enough. The funny thing is that I would normally discourage anyone from owning a pet monkey but since I hate this guy on the left with such a passion, it’s actually quite sad seeing him abandon Mally at Germany. I mean, I wouldn’t mind at all if he ended up as another St. James Davis. I personally think it will add much more character to his baby doll face. But since Bieber likes them, it gives me all the more reason to hate them monkeys in return.

I don’t understand what people see in monkeys. You people think they’re funny, cute, sweet, adorable but when they grow up, steal your food, throw poop at you and bite you on the arse, we’ll see who’s laughing then.

– Nancy Yancey

Doctor, Who Is Peter Capaldi?

This is great! I was jumping up and down at 7 yesterday, screaming at the telly ‘I told you so!’ when they announced it was Capaldi. I’m so happy for him.

A Pondering Moose

After all the tension, the debates and the scorn from non-Whovians who say it just doesn’t matter, the Twelfth Doctor has been revealed as Peter Capaldi, a 55 year-old Scottish actor who has so far appeared both on TV and in films.

Peter has been active in the acting world for around thirty years, but it may also have been easy to overlook him in the past unless you watch certain things; Doctor Who’s young fans are even less likely to have seen him before, since he is best known for an extremely sweary character.

I first noticed him as Sid’s aggressive father in series one and two of Skins, creating a character that actually terrified me a little in his angry alcoholism. He is, however, most famous for his role as aggressive Media Advisor Malcolm Tucker in both the BBC’s The Thick of It and its spin-off film In…

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A Clown Cried

Amazing stuff!

My Blog Emotional Poetry

I walked into a magnificent place.
A wonder of wonder,
so full of grace.What did my eyes’ see?
No it couldn’t be,
shouldn’t be,
But yes I believe.
It was a clown.
with a painted smile,
upon a frown.
A tear gliding all the way down
“Why the tear?” I ask with sincere.
He looked up and said,
“She disappeared.”
“Who, may I ask?” Trying not to be bold.
“The woman I loved, walked away in the cold.”
He handed me a note and at the top it said.
I gave you my all,
I tried my best,
Still I can’t find happiness.
I looked up at the clown,
my heart weighed heavy now.
What could I say?
How does it feel?
To see a smiling clown,
with his heart at his heels.
He rose with a start,
pretending is his part.
“The show must go on.”
He left with…

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Ignorance and Wisdom

I had once imagined that ignorance was a dark cloud that threatened to throttle me.
I had thought then that perhaps by wielding wisdom as my torch,
I shall be able to chase those shadows away.

Silly little me.

I know now that to rebel is futile since the dark cloud will always have a grasp on my neck;
Even though if it may be by a single strand of hair.

source: farm9.staticflickr.com

If only I had remained ignorant of such thoughts —
Now the dark doesn’t ever stop taunting me.

– Nancy Yancey

The Creepiest Kids’ Show: Courage the Cowardly Dog

Courage the Cowardly Dog

Right now I’m feeling the jitters as I type these words while thinking about the task ahead of me.  Most of you — heck — pretty much everyone who had a TV when they were a kid have seen the show and I can honestly say that it has been the scariest show I have ever watched a four-year-old and has consequently shaped me into the person I am today.

Courage the dog is the easily frightened canine who was adopted Muriel Bagge and her husband Eustace Bagge as a pup and now lives with them in ‘The Middle of Nowhere’ (Nowhere, Kansas). The cartoon follows the bizarre adventures of Courage and the Bagges that normally involve supernatural/paranormal beings such as zombies, monsters, ghosts et al. Muriel is the sweet old Scottish woman who gets kidnapped in every single episode, leaving Courage to go after her in dramatic  rescue attempts; and Eustace is the crabby old fart who tortures Courage in every episode and — in the process — scaring me as well. The funny thing about Eustace is that karma has it so bad for him because of Courage’s suffering which I’ll give you an example for in a minute.

Courage and the Bagges

You see, the surreal and the cartoon-ish horrific imagery that is used in the show was enough to scare my young, empathetic, four-year-old self out of my mind. For example, there was this one episode called ‘The Revenge of the Chicken from Outer Space’. It was mainly based on this headless, plucked, and cooked chicken that was on a revenge mission against Courage.

The entire episode starts with the dog having a dream about this mysterious toilet plunger that drops from the sky and start pulling heads out of bodies. Now, this concept can be pretty frightening for a young child especially when there’s this really fast-paced dramatic music playing in the background that gets your heart all thumping.

I remember when I watched the same episode again at the age of six; I couldn’t shake off the fright when Muriel gets kidnapped by the chicken. Courage tried explaining to her that there’s a chicken with a plunger descending from a spaceship but she doesn’t listen and pretty much ignores the dog’s gibberish. I couldn’t help but feel scared because at the time when I saw this since I knew all too well how grown ups like to ignore the little ones like me; and my empathetic self had egged me to imagine myself in Courage’s shoes which probably had made me so scared in the first place.

The Headless Chicken

The chicken had planned to attach Courage’s head on his own body (that’s the whole revenge idea) so the scariest bit of the episode for me was when Eustace — that horrible old man — got his head used for the body. Think about it; a horrible thing happened to a horrible old man — which is pretty much karma — but I was still horrified at such a thing happening because I was still a child and forgiveness was something so easily stipulated into my mind from birth. Guess that’s not the case anymore. In fact, the surrealism had been pretty much the cause of my funny imagination. My friends will often be shocked at the things I come up with; knives, guillotine, axes et al. Now I know what’s founded the sociopath-ish thinking I’ve become so accustomed to.

The characters that appear in the adventures — as I’ve mentioned before — are absolutely creepy to the core. For example: Fred the barber (or more commonly known as Freaky Fred) who was living in the Home for Freaky Barbers mental institution.This bizarre character made me nearly cry when I first saw him. He had the most creepiest voice, the creepiest teeth, the creepiest hair, and the creepiest look on his face; definitely the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen from all the monsters, ghouls and zombies in all the other episodes.

Hello new friend. My name is Fred. The words you hear are in my head. I say I said my name is Fred. And I’ve been… Very naughty

His catch phrase has always been ‘I’ve been very naughty’ and whenever he said that, it sent shivers down to my very bones. The truth is I had never seen/met/heard such a disturbing individual at that point of my life; and since I was four when I first saw him, I couldn’t help but hide behind the sofa and watch the entire episode through a small peep-hole I made with my hands.

Since I was so young when I first came across Fred, it never occurred to me what a pervert (– a word I didn’t even know then –) he was. Now that I think about it — he actually was a sick pervert. In his featuring episode, he shaved off Courage’s fur as the fur encouraged Courage to be ‘naughty’. (Was that a shudder I just felt? Yep, definitely a zoophile.) He later opens up to Courage and describes his ex-girlfriend — who’s shown as a twelve-year-old in the episode — and explained his unnatural obsession with her untamed hair and how he later shaved her. As he continues to shave Courage, he describes how the dog reminds him of her and his late hamster — who he also shaved off.

With Love, Fred

This obsession obviously leads me to believe he is some sadistic paedophile and so makes me quite sceptical on whether such a narration should ever be shown to children in a cartoon.  When he finishes the shaving process, he scars poor courage with the words ‘with love, Fred’ and makes me wonder if he has done the same with his previous victims; you know, leaving them scarred and branded with his name, hiding the incident long after their hair/fur grows back. The scariest thing is his smile; his sick twisted sadistic smile that showed just how much he revelled in torturing Courage and how much he adored with his addiction to shaving things which just makes me want to regurgitate. It is people like him who makes this show so horrifying and utterly traumatic for children under the age of seven.

The Conspiracy Theory

There’s a funny theory going on about the show and it is this:

“Courage is a normal dog, and he sees life through dog eyes. In this theory it is assumed that courage actually lives in a small town, instead of the middle of nowhere. But, having elderly caretakers, they are too unfit or lazy to take him outside. This means that everything outside the house is nothing to him since he’s never seen it.

When there is a visitor to Courage’s home, it appears very strange to Courage and he freaks out. He wants to protect his owners, and in many episodes he finds himself in a panic trying to do that. Which makes sense, because he’s a dog and dogs want to protect.

But since he’s not used to the normal outdoors, the visitors appear as monsters and are distorted to be more evil.“

You know what I say to that? Hogwash. It makes me angry that the sick creators of the show had found it amusing torturing my ickle wickle mind starting from when I was only four.

The funniest thing about Courage the Cowardly Dog is: that even though the show has scared me witless on far too many occasions, it has a strong violent horror theme going on — which you could argue is a bad thing — but that is truly the entertainment factor. I mean looking back at it, the things that had scared us are pretty silly, right? (Wow, that was a very brief ‘on-the-other-hand’ thinking.)

Conspiracy theory source: http://curiousworld.hubpages.com/hub/Cartoon-Conspiracy-Theories

Share your thoughts!

– Nancy Yancey

“Not all those who wander are lost.”

My inner geek is screaming at me to buy this compass necklace on etsy.com
Agh! I’m broke! I need to ask for a raise on my pocket money. It’s either that or I’m going to have to start looking for a job in this triple-dip-recession-hit country. Oh joy!

– Nancy Yancey

Abuse the Haiku

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What Resides Inside

After seeing many Haikus, that either don’t follow the rules of the Haiku, have no flow, or appear to have no meaning or message behind them, I figured I would write a Haiku about the majority of Haikus I have been seeing as of late.

Abuse the Haiku

Cram useless words together

Call it a poem

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Pros and Cons of Being a Vampire

source: vampirepictures.net

Vampires. We’ve all heard about these bloodsuckers and after reading loads of YA novels about them, watching them live and breathe in far too many movies and TV shows, I’ve come up with my own list on why you would and wouldn’t mind having one of these fiends turn you into one of them.

Why you would like to:

• You get to be immortal and live for eternity
• You never age so you get to be young and beautiful forever
• You get the ability to look immensely attractive
• You will get special powers to woo any lady/ make an impression on any guy without much effort
• Depending on what kind of vampire you are and how you see this, you automatically get a sexy East European accent
• You get supernatural strength and speed which means no one — besides another vampire — can mess with you
• You can brain wash the weaker beings and be a power player
• You will — even though it’s forbidden — fall in a deep and passionate relationship with a human being and hear them murmur sweet affectionate compliments about you that will immediately boost your self-confidence (/ego)

Why you wouldn’t even dare:

• Sunlight and stakes are fatal against you
• If you were old when you got turned, you will forever remain the same old wrinkly person (just stronger and better looking)
• You’re allergic to holy water and silver depending on what kind of a vampire you are
• You have to spend the rest of your life avoiding garlics
• If you follow Stephenie Meyer’s laws of physics, you get something worse than sun allergy; you will turn into a sparkling fairy whenever you got out in the sun
• Dogs and their kind shall forever be your worst nightmare
• When your mortal lover dies, you will be sent into a dark pit of melancholy that will ruin your social life
• You will be dependent on people’s life juice and this shall permanently ruin your morals and turn you into some unlovable, sick, twisted psychotic monster from hell
• You will be hunted down daily from hunters and driven out of towns and villages by angry mobs caryying pitchforks and flaming torches
• Forever can be a long time…

So there you have it! I would personally would say yes to being a vampire since I would be given the oppurtunity to learn for eternity. Since I don’t go out much and I don’t like most people, I can safely say none of the cons really apply to me despite there being a rather long list of them.

What are your thoughts?

-Nancy Yancey